I'm joyful. I'm fine. I'm smiling. I'm dancing. I'm sure. I'm comfortable. I'm strong. I'm happy. I'm lying.

Sleepless in Upland

I stay up pretty late for no reason, it seems. But whenever people try to get me to go to sleep before I make myself, most of the time, I just sit in my bed with my ipod on. Cars driving in and out of the parking lot every few minutes, shining their headlights through the blinds and onto the ceiling and I can't help but watch them. Then there is the freakishly loud breathing of my roommate. I am aware that it can't be helped, and I'm not mad about it at all, but when I'm not tired enough to just pass out in my bed, it makes me want to sleep in the hallway. 

Sleep is the dumbest thing ever! Except for naps. Oh naps, they are straight from heaven. I can always seem to sleep when I have a class to be at. I don't think I can completely blame it on my laziness, though. I've figured out that I would have the perfect sleeping habits if days were 26  hours long. I need to be up for at least 18 hours to be tired, unless I have been sleep deprived the past few days. Or 28 hour days would be nice, because I would need to be up longer if I was sleeping that much. That would seriously be the best. 

My body was not made for days on planet earth.

Things That Creep Me Out

1. Ketchup- It is the grossest thing ever invented. The taste is almost as bad as the texture. And it is the most unnatural looking color.

2. Naturally Red Foods- They taste like red... not that I don't like red as a color, its just that all of the foods that happen to be red taste a little like I'm dying inside.

3. Bridges- Whether they are high or not, they are so flimsy looking. We we not meant to be suspended above things like that. Airplanes are fine, but bridges... they are scary business.

4. Bathroom Attendants- All they do is listen to you pee and then give you a paper towel and then they expect a tip? Dumbest job ever! And its a job worth maybe 10 cents, but you can't tip someone 10 cents, so I end up tipping them too much just so they won't think I'm a total tool.

5. Old Men- Somehow, whenever I am in a new and unfamiliar place, I am surrounded by old people-old men, more specifically. They invade my personal space with their abnormally long air hair and their extremely unpleasant cologne... is that cologne, or is that just their musk?

6. People who can't/won't control the volume of their voice- I understand that I am loud at times, but when I see fit, I can lower my voice and I do. It is particularly bad with guys because some of their voices are so low I can feel them talking. Add in some monotone conversation and I'm officially freaked out.

7. Hairy Toes- enough said.

8. Plaque- it is the weirdest/grossest thing about the top half of the human body.

9. Static- People may not think it is gross, but i really can't stand it. Its one of those completely irrational fears of mine. I don't so much mind static shocks, but its static powered hair that gets me. I feel like my hair is glued to my face and trying to eat me. ew.

10. People with long fingernails and dry skin- the combination usually leads to itching of said scratchy skin, with the abnormally long fingernails makes a sound with a likeness to sandpaper on gravel.

What a Night.

Weirdest night at taylor yet. Hands down. So I'm up right now (4:05am) simply because two of my friends are writing papers and need something to keep them sane. I'm not really helping, but I do enjoy watching how they are acting. Imagine a 5 year old with two cokes in their system. Now tickle them... that's what's going on right now. I'm a big fan.

Besides the insanity that is currently taking place, I had a pretty full evening. My mom called me and we had a pretty good talk. She told me the things she has been working on in the house since the move and how my little sister is doing. It was really nice to talk to her for more than 10 minutes while I'm walking out to the boonies to get to my environmental science class. And it was nice that neither of us was calling to ask something from the other or remind them to do something. 

My night improved even more when I called my big sister. I think we might have had the best talk we ever have. It took me leaving and getting over myself to realize what an amazing woman she has become. Now that I am actually learning to seek God's face, it is impossible to talk to her and not be blown away with the love He has given her to share with those around her, including me, as undeserving as I am. 

I remember once at our grandparents' house when something forgettable had happened between my cousin and I and in the midst of working it out my sister said to our grandpa with tears in her eyes "I know her heart..." To me, it was not particularly powerful then, but it is now. Through all of the things I have done to her and all of the ways I could have screwed up our friendship, she loved me and continues to search my heart. 

I'm beginning to realize why she has stuck with me all this time. She looked hard enough below my rough, unpleasant exterior and strived to know my heart. She has apologized to me before for not being a good enough example and I can accept what she means, because I know she is flawed, but even when she was screwing up, she has been the best example of love I could ever hope for.

It's been a pretty jam packed night in my head tonight- working all of this out, and I should have been asleep hours ago, but its worth if for me to figure out the words while they are fresh in my mind. I don't know how to explain it to people who may not understand the level of love my sister puts into her relationships, but I see Jesus in her love. I see God in how she talks to me and how she talks about other people. And the best part is that I don't feel like I need to be just like her like I used to, when I didn't even care to understand what has become so clear to me now. My sister is such a blessing in my life. It makes me so nervous and happy to realize that the love I have for her and that which she has for me is only a fraction (if that) of the love Jesus has for her. I am so excited that someone right now is loving the people that I care about and he is loving them so much more than I can fathom. What's even more thrilling and scary for me to think about is the fact that he has that same love for me.

It's been a big night for me.

November 16th, 2008

I haven't really been too homesick up until now. Hardly at all actually. But right now, all I want to do is go home. I want a change of pace. I want to see my friends that I've tried so hard not to miss and the ones I've tried so hard to forget about. I've started to miss people because they are a part of my "old life," not because of who they are. I don't miss who I used to be. I did a lot of things I wish I wouldn't have, and with my past I threw out the people from my past when many of them have done very little to wrong me. My friends didn't tell me to be a complete douche. I'm realizing that instead, many of them were just good enough friends to love me through who I had become. It's not their fault I smoked or drank, or even that I felt pressured to be the one who said what everyone was thinking about someone. I can't blame them for not getting in my face and telling me I was an ass.

I don't know how to love the people from my past when I hate who I was. Learning to hate who I was is what got me to straighten out, but the hatred didn't go away as I have tried to better myself. What am I aiming for? When am I going to feel like I'm not a jerk? I hated who I was, but my distain for myself hasn't stopped just because I've changed in one way or another. I feel like I'm writing a lot of run-ons, but I'm too lazy to go back and edit them so they make sense. 

boooo

i'm sick. it sucks.

The Passage of Time

Post Number 15!

There has to be an end to all of this and that's what stinks so much. Friends will leave, new ones will come, and plenty will find a way out of my life. I could sit and cry about the fact that the happiness I now know will come to an end far too soon, but I'm not going to. Instead, I am going to try to continue the "celebration of life" that began when I first found out that one of my good friends is transferring next semester. I have not had the best attitude the last couple weeks, and I haven't physically felt the best, but I know that remembering this time is something I should do. I would hate to think back and not be able to remember a single day of my life when I got to walk 20 feet to her room and dance with her to inappropriate hip-hop through her huge speakers and subwoofer under her desk.

With her leaving, combined with my freakish planning tendencies and realizing how quickly the semester has been passing... my first instinct is to run away from my relationships before I can get hurt near as bad as I know I could. I think months and years into the future and worry what this school would be like once they are gone. I am on the fence, considering whether to cherish the time I have with them or to run now, with my heart intact. If I get out now, I can be numb. I can not analyze this. I can't overestimate time. It will pass too quickly when all I want to do is hold onto all that I have and know, and then comes the torture of having to suffer through the painful times, with those times burned into my memory.

I would like to not worry, but I know myself well enough to know that it is not possible for me. I will never stop worrying about the passage of time and what is to come with the friendships I have now. I have no idea who I will be living with next year or the the friends I will spend the most time with, and it scares me to realize how much could change. Too much is changing already, and I can't make it stop. All I can do is celebrate life and capture what memories I can.

ANGRRRYYYYY

Fact: I want to hug and punch you. I want to hug and punch everything.

October 29th, 2008

I will hurt myself before you hurt me. Its a fact. I will do what I can to beat you to it. I will push away from you when what I want is for you to pull me back. It may look like I am trying to ran away from people when I won't tell them what is wrong, but its so much more complicated and ridiculous than that. I want to be everyone's rock, and how can I ever be that if I show them I a weak? And how do I put things into words without sounding "emo"? Well right now, I am "emo." It means emotional! If anyone is never emotional, I doubt they are interesting. And yet, it is something I avoid. Also, I don't want to put my issues on other people.

I have a hard enough time with what's going on with me, and the worrying I do for you, that I don't want you to have to deal. I don't want you to have to worry any more than you already do. If you worry about me, I will worry about the fact that you are worried about me... it's retarded. I can't help but want to fix your problems. I can help but want to take your bad moods for myself. I can't like myself when I find I can't make things better. I can't make you feel better, and I can never accept that. I know it is fact, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make things better for you.

Whatever struggle you may have, I would rather it was me.

Something good just happened. Something good for someone else, and I just got really happy. Definitely a drastic change in my mood... Point and case.

What is going on with my friends affects my mood more than it ever should, and it can't be changed. This changed mood of mine is not a blogging mood. 

Peace.

I Feel Lightheaded

Today was cruelly long. I woke up after a night of sleeping on the floor and I felt like I had been laying there for days. I don't know why, but I feel like I still felt better than I would have, had I slept in my room... in my inferno of a room. I slept(ish) through my environmental science lab, which was my only class of the day. Then I just laid there hoping I would fall back asleep. I had a number of vocal exchanges with the girls I had fallen asleep in the suite with (you are fantastic) and ended up finally getting ready for the day a little before noon.

Then I had a painfully quiet lunch with my prayer partner... I fell asleep while we were talking, so our lunch only lasted about a half hour. the rest of my day is a blur. I know what I did, but all of the events I remember are not near long enough to fill my day. 

I punched a door, and now my hand hurts. I hate ice. Right now, I hate an unhealthy amount of things. I hate being awake and sleep. I hate how negative I am right now. I should probably not be documenting this day, because I sure don't want to remember it, but I need to do something.

You, I hate that you are sick. I don't like it at all. But what I do like are graham crackers... and the fact that you (yeah, you know who you are, and I know you will read this) are making me hold a dr. pepper freeze pop to my bruised hand.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stop your looking at me while I am trying to be angry.

Fact:

I am super stressed, anxious, violent, angry and tired. Sorry if I have been mean to you. Its no excuse, but hopefully I will be back to my regular state of constant napping, late nights, friendly tripping, somewhat infrequent punching, and slightly more chill self.

Gossip Folks.

Missy Elliot said it right. Actually, not at all, but she's still legit.
I have gotten so much better at not gossiping about people since I have been surrounded by so many people who I could not think of anything bad to say about, but now that everyone is settled, I am starting to notice the few people who's company I do not really enjoy. For instance, there is one girl on my floor who would have been the subject of my quips at any other point in my life. Not to say I was without sin or even gossip the last couple of months, but it has been far, far too much these last few days.
Most of the time I don't even feel bad until I realize that word could get back to the person... then I see how inconsiderate things I say are. As long as they don't know what I said, I act like it never happened. What did these couple people do to deserve the spotlight in my list of annoyances. I could probably only come up with a couple of things that bother me about them, but is that ever a reason to hurt someone? If it isn't hurting them, by them finding out, it is still hurting me. I even stop to think about the conversations I take part in and those which I initiate, but it is more important to me that I am being social. I am being a part of a sort of bonding, so rarely to I call it out and try to change the subject. I hate that I do it, but when it's happening, I don't even think about the fact that it is a sin.
People have become far too tolerant of many sins these days, but I think that is the one that is the most frequent sin in my life. It is normal to gossip and be chatty about other people, but that doesn't make it any better. I would hate for someone to judge me for the things I say about other people. And more than that, I would hate to know all of the things that have been said about me. Many of the things people could say about me would probably be well deserved, but that doesn't make it feel any better. How would I handle it if someone heard the things I say about them or the things I laugh at that other people say? I would have no idea how to. I would just feel so terrible. So in any effort to become the better person who I hope I can be, I am challenging myself (or God is challenging me) to be that person who refuses to gossip about other girls, no matter the circumstance. Sometimes I wonder when a conversation changes from simple observation or personal story telling into gossip, but I think it would be safer not to flirt with the grey area... yeah, that's grey with an e, as it should be. Bam!

October 21st, 2008

I think a lot of my friends think I like them a lot less than I actually do. I don't just hang out with people because it is convenient. If I have chosen to spend time with someone, it means a lot, but people don't always know that about me. I am so far from the perfect friend- I'm pretty sure I offend people on a daily basis. And if I offend them, I suck at apologizing. This post is almost certainly going to be a string of random thoughts that are only connected by half thoughts in my brain.

I am so nervous right now about how easily and how much I love my friends. I know they are so much more than I deserve in any relationship of my life, but I also can't stop thinking that someone is really going to hurt me one of these days. If someone is even half as capable of killing a smile as I am, it is bound to happen sometime. I think I may be the last person to ever forgive myself for hurting as many people as I have. And as scared as I am about being hurt, I am even more fearful that I will crush someone. One of these days they are going to wake up and realize that spending their time with me isn't worth it. This is not a huge pity party in my head. I'm not having a moping fit, its just a lot of concerns that I have coming out all at once now that I have gotten started on this topic.

Though I don't want to seem like a constant downer, I also don't want to seem like a big joke. I sass and make one sarcastic comment after another, but I wonder what people think of me. I worry that all they will see is my bitterness and disregard for all things serious.

One of these days, I'm going to hurt you. Probably because you mean a lot to me. I don't deal with being vulnerable well. I am afraid of how much of my feelings are invested in my friendships. It's hard for me to think how easy it would be for me to get hurt.

Basically if you are one of the people who reads this, I love you so much. If you don't know that, I am doing something very wrong.

Fact: You amaze me and you terrify me. You make me smile and you make me worry. You have such a greater affect on me than I will ever let you know. I worry for you. I spend hours a day trying to figure out how to help you. I thank God for your friendship at least 3 times a day when I pray. I didn't pray before... but now I have such an undeniable blessing of these amazing friendships in my life that I can't help but want to thank God as much as I can. I pray for you. I think you're awesome. You are extremely loved... and I want to hug you.

Life Story Update

I'm in the process of writing out my life story and I'm almost done. It will never end up on here, but if you actually know me and you are interested in reading it or asking me about it once it is done, don't hesitate to let me know. I might not just sit down at tell you everything right then and there, but if someone shows a genuine interest in my past, I'm probably not going to shoot you down It may take me a while to be okay with people knowing so much about me though.

October 15th, 2008

This blog is written for one person in particular, so it probably won't be even semi-interesting to you. 

In the past couple days I have realized how much of my old life I have left behind, and all of the aspects that I don't ever want to leave. I go on thinking about how happy I am to have all of the new friends I have, but rarely do I think about the great friends I left at home. True, there were few I expected to last past the summer, and I was right. But there are still a small number of friends who have had a great impact on my life and whom I refuse to fall out of touch with. I will generally be pretty quick to say that the majority of my friendships so far have been shallow and short-lived.

There are two friends in particular who I think about and talk about on a daily basis. I cannot wait to see them. I want to tell them everything that is going on, but that would be pretty hard to do. There are just too many random moments that are fun for one reason or another, and I could never explain them. 

We are just leading such different lives. I don't know how to make them feel like I am not leaving them behind. No matter what happens, you are home. You know who you are, and I know you read this. My family can move around as much as they please, but you are home. You are my best friend. You have watched me grow for years now, and that is fact. It will never change, and I will never stop loving you. I could never judge you. Whatever you may get yourself into, or the things that you will be thrust into, I am here. Where I live and who I live with will continue to change through my life, but I will never leave this friendship. Every February 26th I will remember all of the things we've been through and all of the things I will always be ready to go through with you.

I'm sorry I haven't told you everyday just how impossible it is for me to ever give up one being your friend. We may not be living very comparable lives anymore, but I don't want you to worry.

October 14th, 2008

I decorated my room for halloween and I'm so pumped! I love holidays more than anyone should. About an hour after I put my decorations up, my strand of black lights fell and two of the bulbs broke... lame.

I was planning to just write about how things are going and how great all of my friends are, but as my day progressed, I realized I have a lot more to say about my friendships than how amazing they are, but that's where I'm going to start.

I have been noticing constantly how blessed I am to have made such great friends in the last month. The friendships I have here are already so much deeper about 90% of the friendships I had in high school. For instance, a small thing is that girls on my floor ask me how my day is going and don't just stop when I say "It was okay." It's always a response like "Only okay?" or "Are you sure there isn't something wrong?" Not that I don't have days that are just "okay". But when I really do have a crappy day, it helps so much to know that even if I don't know what is wrong or if I don't share, people care. 

People here care about me? How is that possible? It is the best feeling ever, but it doesn't cover all doubt. How could they love me if they don't know me? Or even scarier, how could they ever love me if they did know me? I spend my days with one unbelievable girl or another, but when I am not distracted from my thoughts all I can think is how undeserving I am of their time. These are the best people I have ever met, and I will never be good enough to stop wondering how in the world they could ever see my heart through my sarcasm. Or what is even more of a challenge, how can I let them see all of my scars?

Someday people are going to find out how vulnerable I am. How can someone love a person as weak as me? Or as inconsiderate? Or as distrusting? I want so badly to trust and not let the different aspects of my life get in the way of being trustworthy. I don't want to push away the people I care about. I've done it before, and I ruined so many bonds because I was too prideful to admit I had made a mistake. But really, I do very little other than making mistakes. How do I show people my heart without showing them the awful things I am capable of? I assume even my best of friends here are waiting for me to screw things up, but it is not fair to them. Do I really think that low of them to think they are spending their time trying to find my flaws?

I don't sit around thinking about other's flaws all of the time, but I worry that everyone around me is constantly focused on mine. Even that amount of attention would be quite undeserved. I don't deserve for anyone to want to know my heart, but I desperately want to be seen as more than just the loud girl who jokes around a lot and can't function without a crowd. That's not know I am, but it is, unfortunately, how I probably come off.

Also, I am working on writing out my life story so far. I think it will be good for me. You can ask me about it sometime, but I am not posting it all on here.

Geezers

I know its really bad to say, since its not their fault they are extremely aged, but I can't stand old people. I don't know if its because they are old or because of when they grew up, but ninety percent of the people over 70 that I have met make me extremely uncomfortable. They all smell weird and have weird voices. And old men all have huge ears, which are usually covered with hair thicker than that which is on their head. They like to wear striped button ups with short sleeves, which doesn't bother me too much when younger people do it, but old men have such crusty little arms with the flappy skin and the long, sparse arm hairs.

I'm not patient enough to stand there and listen to them, even if I really want to. People will tell me "He's the coolest old guy ever. Listen to his stories!" and I will really want to, because I really want to like an old person. There are people over 70 in my family, but some of them don't seem old. They aren't all decrepit and creepy. Well, some of them are, and though they are family, I still feel overwhelming discomfort when they try to talk to me.

And old people and their driving! My friends from home would tell me how they were late to things because they got stuck behind a grandma or grandpa in a no passing zone, but I have had limited experience with this breed of geezer. Instead, I always seem to be surrounded by the grannies driving around who couldn't possibly be any taller that 3 feet. They come zooming around corners everywhere I look and don't even look around them. These are the same old ladies who refuse to use their turn signal, so when they aren't racing around corners, they are weaving through lanes of traffic. How can they drive so fast when they talk so slow? It appears that they are incapable of monitoring their speed at either extreme.

Oh old people, how I wish I could like them.

October 1st, 2008

I've decided not to write mopey things today. That's not why I started this blogspot thing. And people are never going to speak to me after reading it if all I do is whine about how hard my life is. Because actually, my life is pretty great most of the time. Like everyone, I have a past and it happens to be a dark one, but I never like it when all people talk about is how crappy their life has been and they are sure it will never get better. So I won't be doing that. What I think about it is that my life could be so much worse, considering I am worrying about being able to trust my friends. Sure, there are other issues in my life, but I am not worried about my next meal or being persecuted for my faith. 

I have been so blessed so early on with some of the most substantial relationships I have ever had, and I have not even known the people here for 2 months. Its really amazing how much the girls on my floor have accepted me and how much they care how my day is going and how I am doing in my walk with God.

I am not used to having friendships where people will suggest scripture to ease my worries rather than help distract me with perverted jokes or by handing me a bottle of whatever we could get our hands on. Knowing that the people here won't act like its okay when I screw up royally is both terrifying and empowering. I know that if I were to go down to Ball State for a weekend and party with some high school friends, they would let me know what they thought about it, but I have no doubt that they would still love me. For so long I have been hurting so badly for some reason or another, and most of my life I have used my hardships as an excuse to do whatever I wanted, without consideration for other people, or more importantly for my own relationship with Jesus. 

I am reminded daily, by the actions and words of those around me, how badly I need to trust in God. It is rare that I will take anything to God through prayer or reading scripture. I see my inadequacies in my devotion to my faith everywhere I go, but it is not a feeling of judgement.

So for today, I guess that would be a huge praise and a prayer that I would start to appreciate it more and start to dive into prayer.

Wrapping Up My Thoughts From Last Night

I don't take it upon myself to fix everyone's problems, so why do I feel so terrible about not being able to fix hers? I know so many of my friends are hurting, but she is so outright about it that I don't know how to act. She is so certain that she is not pretty enough or smart enough, or even that she has been hurt enough to be good enough to be surrounded by the people in her life. She is one of the people who intimidated me when I first moved into the dorm and then surprised me by how down to earth she is. Through all of her insecurities I am still so stunned that she would want to be my friend. These are words I could obviously never say to her and make her believe me, so I guess I'll have to try to show her what a blessing she has been in my life already, when I have only known her for a month.
Most everyone here is a blessing in one way or another actually. I don't seem like the loving or considerate type, and still people have been so loving in things I didn't even know could involve love. 

Goodbye September

Over the past few days, I really should have been journaling. I've had an intense couple of days, which would probably come as a surprise to those around me. I don't let onto the fact that I am weary or upset. I often act annoyed by something, when what is really going on inside me is too much. If i start to spill even a tiny bit of emotion, I will explode. I spend my evenings running around with one person or another and joking around, when all I want to do is be held.
I am not one to show my vulnerability. Since I got to college, I have tried to talk to a couple people about what is going on inside of me, but it feels like I either don't know the right words, or that they don't exist. I'm so sad I want to scream and so frustrated I want to cry. Everything is mixed up inside me, and I can't find the switch.
I don't think I will ever trust that people love me as much as I love them. I work so hard to make sure people like me and that they enjoy my company. Most of what they get to know is that I am possibly entertaining and attention driven. You could say that I don't know who I am, but generally when people say that, they are trying to figure out their place in the world. I am not asking what I will accomplish or why I am alive. All I am trying to figure out now is how to act so that I might actually learn to like myself.
I like so many of the people around me in my life and I love them even more fervently. I never trust people to love me, so I rarely trust people to care about what I am feeling and who I think I might actually be. I want so badly to be the person my friends come to when they need to vent. I love to feel like I am helping, but even more so, I need to feel needed.
The other night I was talking to my friend in my dorm room and for one reason or another, I was able to vocalize things to her that I have never been able to put into words. It came as a complete surprise, as we are both considered extremely goofy and we tend to joke around a lot. She walked into my room when I was sitting in what I call "the den" or "nemo" which are both code for what is more of a moping den than anything else. She sat down in a chair a few feet away and the next thing I knew, we were both shocked by what the other had said. It put things into perspective for me that I'm not the only one who puts on a mask around people to impress them or to hide my pain. I wish I could remember what I said to her then, so I wouldn't be so jumpy in my thoughts. But for the most part, when I start a thought, I start typing and I only use the backspace for typos. Not that I expect anyone but myself to ever read this.
To stop the jumping around, I should probably get to the situation that inspired this particular entry.
I am generally the one in the group who makes people laugh or forget their pain for at least a moment or two. But in one of my friendships, I am constantly reminded of my inadequacies. I want so much for her to know how much she is loved, but its not really something you can make someone believe. I want to be able to make her believe all of the things the people around her believe about her. She is one of the most amazing people I have had the opportunity to spend time with, and it is masked by my disappointment in myself for not being able to fix her heart. It sucks so bad listening to her talk about how she in surrounded by all of these awesome friends, but she has no idea why they like her. Why can't I just transfer my knowledge into her brain. In my brain, it is undebatable that she is amazing and such a joy to be around. I have such a hard time being her friend knowing that I can't make her see how amazing she is and when I feel like I am the last person she wants to be around.

No doubt I will continue on this subject the next time I blog, but right now, my brain hurts from trying to decode all of the emotions and thoughts flying around in my head. Peace.

Me Blogging? What?

I've never been much for journaling of blogging or even attempting to put my feeling into words, but for some reason I've had the idea of blogging thrown in my face lately, so here goes.

I suppose I'll start by giving a vague idea of my life right now. I'm a freshman at a small Christian college in Indiana and am surrounded by constant conversation about faith and sacrifice, which is nice, but I am not at all used to it. I have a hard time finding a happy medium with sharing about myself. I feel like people are always expecting me to opening tell them what makes me who I am, because so many people here have little issue with being open about their past and their faith.

I am not sturdy in my faith and I have much left to learn, so I tend to hold my tongue and count on people to ask oddly specific questions so I can't deny anything. I'm not one of those people who spills everything when someone asks me if I am okay if if I had a bad day.

One thing that I am very eager to get over, therefore more likely to ask for insight about, is that I get a feeling from all angles that people are disappointed in who I am. If I am not being loud, I'm being mean or seem depressed. Then, if I am joking and laughing, I want to be the center of attention. In any case, I worry that people are constantly judging me, awaiting my next character flaw. I have no intention of throwing myself a pity party about the matter, but I am not hiding the fact that I am confused with who I am, who I am supposed to be, and who people think I am.

Those are my thought for today. Kind of an abrupt end, but I'm not in a journaling mood anymore.