October 21st, 2008

I think a lot of my friends think I like them a lot less than I actually do. I don't just hang out with people because it is convenient. If I have chosen to spend time with someone, it means a lot, but people don't always know that about me. I am so far from the perfect friend- I'm pretty sure I offend people on a daily basis. And if I offend them, I suck at apologizing. This post is almost certainly going to be a string of random thoughts that are only connected by half thoughts in my brain.

I am so nervous right now about how easily and how much I love my friends. I know they are so much more than I deserve in any relationship of my life, but I also can't stop thinking that someone is really going to hurt me one of these days. If someone is even half as capable of killing a smile as I am, it is bound to happen sometime. I think I may be the last person to ever forgive myself for hurting as many people as I have. And as scared as I am about being hurt, I am even more fearful that I will crush someone. One of these days they are going to wake up and realize that spending their time with me isn't worth it. This is not a huge pity party in my head. I'm not having a moping fit, its just a lot of concerns that I have coming out all at once now that I have gotten started on this topic.

Though I don't want to seem like a constant downer, I also don't want to seem like a big joke. I sass and make one sarcastic comment after another, but I wonder what people think of me. I worry that all they will see is my bitterness and disregard for all things serious.

One of these days, I'm going to hurt you. Probably because you mean a lot to me. I don't deal with being vulnerable well. I am afraid of how much of my feelings are invested in my friendships. It's hard for me to think how easy it would be for me to get hurt.

Basically if you are one of the people who reads this, I love you so much. If you don't know that, I am doing something very wrong.

Fact: You amaze me and you terrify me. You make me smile and you make me worry. You have such a greater affect on me than I will ever let you know. I worry for you. I spend hours a day trying to figure out how to help you. I thank God for your friendship at least 3 times a day when I pray. I didn't pray before... but now I have such an undeniable blessing of these amazing friendships in my life that I can't help but want to thank God as much as I can. I pray for you. I think you're awesome. You are extremely loved... and I want to hug you.