October 14th, 2008

I decorated my room for halloween and I'm so pumped! I love holidays more than anyone should. About an hour after I put my decorations up, my strand of black lights fell and two of the bulbs broke... lame.

I was planning to just write about how things are going and how great all of my friends are, but as my day progressed, I realized I have a lot more to say about my friendships than how amazing they are, but that's where I'm going to start.

I have been noticing constantly how blessed I am to have made such great friends in the last month. The friendships I have here are already so much deeper about 90% of the friendships I had in high school. For instance, a small thing is that girls on my floor ask me how my day is going and don't just stop when I say "It was okay." It's always a response like "Only okay?" or "Are you sure there isn't something wrong?" Not that I don't have days that are just "okay". But when I really do have a crappy day, it helps so much to know that even if I don't know what is wrong or if I don't share, people care. 

People here care about me? How is that possible? It is the best feeling ever, but it doesn't cover all doubt. How could they love me if they don't know me? Or even scarier, how could they ever love me if they did know me? I spend my days with one unbelievable girl or another, but when I am not distracted from my thoughts all I can think is how undeserving I am of their time. These are the best people I have ever met, and I will never be good enough to stop wondering how in the world they could ever see my heart through my sarcasm. Or what is even more of a challenge, how can I let them see all of my scars?

Someday people are going to find out how vulnerable I am. How can someone love a person as weak as me? Or as inconsiderate? Or as distrusting? I want so badly to trust and not let the different aspects of my life get in the way of being trustworthy. I don't want to push away the people I care about. I've done it before, and I ruined so many bonds because I was too prideful to admit I had made a mistake. But really, I do very little other than making mistakes. How do I show people my heart without showing them the awful things I am capable of? I assume even my best of friends here are waiting for me to screw things up, but it is not fair to them. Do I really think that low of them to think they are spending their time trying to find my flaws?

I don't sit around thinking about other's flaws all of the time, but I worry that everyone around me is constantly focused on mine. Even that amount of attention would be quite undeserved. I don't deserve for anyone to want to know my heart, but I desperately want to be seen as more than just the loud girl who jokes around a lot and can't function without a crowd. That's not know I am, but it is, unfortunately, how I probably come off.

Also, I am working on writing out my life story so far. I think it will be good for me. You can ask me about it sometime, but I am not posting it all on here.