November 16th, 2008

I haven't really been too homesick up until now. Hardly at all actually. But right now, all I want to do is go home. I want a change of pace. I want to see my friends that I've tried so hard not to miss and the ones I've tried so hard to forget about. I've started to miss people because they are a part of my "old life," not because of who they are. I don't miss who I used to be. I did a lot of things I wish I wouldn't have, and with my past I threw out the people from my past when many of them have done very little to wrong me. My friends didn't tell me to be a complete douche. I'm realizing that instead, many of them were just good enough friends to love me through who I had become. It's not their fault I smoked or drank, or even that I felt pressured to be the one who said what everyone was thinking about someone. I can't blame them for not getting in my face and telling me I was an ass.

I don't know how to love the people from my past when I hate who I was. Learning to hate who I was is what got me to straighten out, but the hatred didn't go away as I have tried to better myself. What am I aiming for? When am I going to feel like I'm not a jerk? I hated who I was, but my distain for myself hasn't stopped just because I've changed in one way or another. I feel like I'm writing a lot of run-ons, but I'm too lazy to go back and edit them so they make sense.