I'm joyful. I'm fine. I'm smiling. I'm dancing. I'm sure. I'm comfortable. I'm strong. I'm happy. I'm lying.

Sleepless in Upland

I stay up pretty late for no reason, it seems. But whenever people try to get me to go to sleep before I make myself, most of the time, I just sit in my bed with my ipod on. Cars driving in and out of the parking lot every few minutes, shining their headlights through the blinds and onto the ceiling and I can't help but watch them. Then there is the freakishly loud breathing of my roommate. I am aware that it can't be helped, and I'm not mad about it at all, but when I'm not tired enough to just pass out in my bed, it makes me want to sleep in the hallway. 

Sleep is the dumbest thing ever! Except for naps. Oh naps, they are straight from heaven. I can always seem to sleep when I have a class to be at. I don't think I can completely blame it on my laziness, though. I've figured out that I would have the perfect sleeping habits if days were 26  hours long. I need to be up for at least 18 hours to be tired, unless I have been sleep deprived the past few days. Or 28 hour days would be nice, because I would need to be up longer if I was sleeping that much. That would seriously be the best. 

My body was not made for days on planet earth.

Things That Creep Me Out

1. Ketchup- It is the grossest thing ever invented. The taste is almost as bad as the texture. And it is the most unnatural looking color.

2. Naturally Red Foods- They taste like red... not that I don't like red as a color, its just that all of the foods that happen to be red taste a little like I'm dying inside.

3. Bridges- Whether they are high or not, they are so flimsy looking. We we not meant to be suspended above things like that. Airplanes are fine, but bridges... they are scary business.

4. Bathroom Attendants- All they do is listen to you pee and then give you a paper towel and then they expect a tip? Dumbest job ever! And its a job worth maybe 10 cents, but you can't tip someone 10 cents, so I end up tipping them too much just so they won't think I'm a total tool.

5. Old Men- Somehow, whenever I am in a new and unfamiliar place, I am surrounded by old people-old men, more specifically. They invade my personal space with their abnormally long air hair and their extremely unpleasant cologne... is that cologne, or is that just their musk?

6. People who can't/won't control the volume of their voice- I understand that I am loud at times, but when I see fit, I can lower my voice and I do. It is particularly bad with guys because some of their voices are so low I can feel them talking. Add in some monotone conversation and I'm officially freaked out.

7. Hairy Toes- enough said.

8. Plaque- it is the weirdest/grossest thing about the top half of the human body.

9. Static- People may not think it is gross, but i really can't stand it. Its one of those completely irrational fears of mine. I don't so much mind static shocks, but its static powered hair that gets me. I feel like my hair is glued to my face and trying to eat me. ew.

10. People with long fingernails and dry skin- the combination usually leads to itching of said scratchy skin, with the abnormally long fingernails makes a sound with a likeness to sandpaper on gravel.

What a Night.

Weirdest night at taylor yet. Hands down. So I'm up right now (4:05am) simply because two of my friends are writing papers and need something to keep them sane. I'm not really helping, but I do enjoy watching how they are acting. Imagine a 5 year old with two cokes in their system. Now tickle them... that's what's going on right now. I'm a big fan.

Besides the insanity that is currently taking place, I had a pretty full evening. My mom called me and we had a pretty good talk. She told me the things she has been working on in the house since the move and how my little sister is doing. It was really nice to talk to her for more than 10 minutes while I'm walking out to the boonies to get to my environmental science class. And it was nice that neither of us was calling to ask something from the other or remind them to do something. 

My night improved even more when I called my big sister. I think we might have had the best talk we ever have. It took me leaving and getting over myself to realize what an amazing woman she has become. Now that I am actually learning to seek God's face, it is impossible to talk to her and not be blown away with the love He has given her to share with those around her, including me, as undeserving as I am. 

I remember once at our grandparents' house when something forgettable had happened between my cousin and I and in the midst of working it out my sister said to our grandpa with tears in her eyes "I know her heart..." To me, it was not particularly powerful then, but it is now. Through all of the things I have done to her and all of the ways I could have screwed up our friendship, she loved me and continues to search my heart. 

I'm beginning to realize why she has stuck with me all this time. She looked hard enough below my rough, unpleasant exterior and strived to know my heart. She has apologized to me before for not being a good enough example and I can accept what she means, because I know she is flawed, but even when she was screwing up, she has been the best example of love I could ever hope for.

It's been a pretty jam packed night in my head tonight- working all of this out, and I should have been asleep hours ago, but its worth if for me to figure out the words while they are fresh in my mind. I don't know how to explain it to people who may not understand the level of love my sister puts into her relationships, but I see Jesus in her love. I see God in how she talks to me and how she talks about other people. And the best part is that I don't feel like I need to be just like her like I used to, when I didn't even care to understand what has become so clear to me now. My sister is such a blessing in my life. It makes me so nervous and happy to realize that the love I have for her and that which she has for me is only a fraction (if that) of the love Jesus has for her. I am so excited that someone right now is loving the people that I care about and he is loving them so much more than I can fathom. What's even more thrilling and scary for me to think about is the fact that he has that same love for me.

It's been a big night for me.

November 16th, 2008

I haven't really been too homesick up until now. Hardly at all actually. But right now, all I want to do is go home. I want a change of pace. I want to see my friends that I've tried so hard not to miss and the ones I've tried so hard to forget about. I've started to miss people because they are a part of my "old life," not because of who they are. I don't miss who I used to be. I did a lot of things I wish I wouldn't have, and with my past I threw out the people from my past when many of them have done very little to wrong me. My friends didn't tell me to be a complete douche. I'm realizing that instead, many of them were just good enough friends to love me through who I had become. It's not their fault I smoked or drank, or even that I felt pressured to be the one who said what everyone was thinking about someone. I can't blame them for not getting in my face and telling me I was an ass.

I don't know how to love the people from my past when I hate who I was. Learning to hate who I was is what got me to straighten out, but the hatred didn't go away as I have tried to better myself. What am I aiming for? When am I going to feel like I'm not a jerk? I hated who I was, but my distain for myself hasn't stopped just because I've changed in one way or another. I feel like I'm writing a lot of run-ons, but I'm too lazy to go back and edit them so they make sense. 

boooo

i'm sick. it sucks.

The Passage of Time

Post Number 15!

There has to be an end to all of this and that's what stinks so much. Friends will leave, new ones will come, and plenty will find a way out of my life. I could sit and cry about the fact that the happiness I now know will come to an end far too soon, but I'm not going to. Instead, I am going to try to continue the "celebration of life" that began when I first found out that one of my good friends is transferring next semester. I have not had the best attitude the last couple weeks, and I haven't physically felt the best, but I know that remembering this time is something I should do. I would hate to think back and not be able to remember a single day of my life when I got to walk 20 feet to her room and dance with her to inappropriate hip-hop through her huge speakers and subwoofer under her desk.

With her leaving, combined with my freakish planning tendencies and realizing how quickly the semester has been passing... my first instinct is to run away from my relationships before I can get hurt near as bad as I know I could. I think months and years into the future and worry what this school would be like once they are gone. I am on the fence, considering whether to cherish the time I have with them or to run now, with my heart intact. If I get out now, I can be numb. I can not analyze this. I can't overestimate time. It will pass too quickly when all I want to do is hold onto all that I have and know, and then comes the torture of having to suffer through the painful times, with those times burned into my memory.

I would like to not worry, but I know myself well enough to know that it is not possible for me. I will never stop worrying about the passage of time and what is to come with the friendships I have now. I have no idea who I will be living with next year or the the friends I will spend the most time with, and it scares me to realize how much could change. Too much is changing already, and I can't make it stop. All I can do is celebrate life and capture what memories I can.