ANGRRRYYYYY

Fact: I want to hug and punch you. I want to hug and punch everything.

October 29th, 2008

I will hurt myself before you hurt me. Its a fact. I will do what I can to beat you to it. I will push away from you when what I want is for you to pull me back. It may look like I am trying to ran away from people when I won't tell them what is wrong, but its so much more complicated and ridiculous than that. I want to be everyone's rock, and how can I ever be that if I show them I a weak? And how do I put things into words without sounding "emo"? Well right now, I am "emo." It means emotional! If anyone is never emotional, I doubt they are interesting. And yet, it is something I avoid. Also, I don't want to put my issues on other people.

I have a hard enough time with what's going on with me, and the worrying I do for you, that I don't want you to have to deal. I don't want you to have to worry any more than you already do. If you worry about me, I will worry about the fact that you are worried about me... it's retarded. I can't help but want to fix your problems. I can help but want to take your bad moods for myself. I can't like myself when I find I can't make things better. I can't make you feel better, and I can never accept that. I know it is fact, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make things better for you.

Whatever struggle you may have, I would rather it was me.

Something good just happened. Something good for someone else, and I just got really happy. Definitely a drastic change in my mood... Point and case.

What is going on with my friends affects my mood more than it ever should, and it can't be changed. This changed mood of mine is not a blogging mood. 

Peace.

I Feel Lightheaded

Today was cruelly long. I woke up after a night of sleeping on the floor and I felt like I had been laying there for days. I don't know why, but I feel like I still felt better than I would have, had I slept in my room... in my inferno of a room. I slept(ish) through my environmental science lab, which was my only class of the day. Then I just laid there hoping I would fall back asleep. I had a number of vocal exchanges with the girls I had fallen asleep in the suite with (you are fantastic) and ended up finally getting ready for the day a little before noon.

Then I had a painfully quiet lunch with my prayer partner... I fell asleep while we were talking, so our lunch only lasted about a half hour. the rest of my day is a blur. I know what I did, but all of the events I remember are not near long enough to fill my day. 

I punched a door, and now my hand hurts. I hate ice. Right now, I hate an unhealthy amount of things. I hate being awake and sleep. I hate how negative I am right now. I should probably not be documenting this day, because I sure don't want to remember it, but I need to do something.

You, I hate that you are sick. I don't like it at all. But what I do like are graham crackers... and the fact that you (yeah, you know who you are, and I know you will read this) are making me hold a dr. pepper freeze pop to my bruised hand.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stop your looking at me while I am trying to be angry.

Fact:

I am super stressed, anxious, violent, angry and tired. Sorry if I have been mean to you. Its no excuse, but hopefully I will be back to my regular state of constant napping, late nights, friendly tripping, somewhat infrequent punching, and slightly more chill self.

Gossip Folks.

Missy Elliot said it right. Actually, not at all, but she's still legit.
I have gotten so much better at not gossiping about people since I have been surrounded by so many people who I could not think of anything bad to say about, but now that everyone is settled, I am starting to notice the few people who's company I do not really enjoy. For instance, there is one girl on my floor who would have been the subject of my quips at any other point in my life. Not to say I was without sin or even gossip the last couple of months, but it has been far, far too much these last few days.
Most of the time I don't even feel bad until I realize that word could get back to the person... then I see how inconsiderate things I say are. As long as they don't know what I said, I act like it never happened. What did these couple people do to deserve the spotlight in my list of annoyances. I could probably only come up with a couple of things that bother me about them, but is that ever a reason to hurt someone? If it isn't hurting them, by them finding out, it is still hurting me. I even stop to think about the conversations I take part in and those which I initiate, but it is more important to me that I am being social. I am being a part of a sort of bonding, so rarely to I call it out and try to change the subject. I hate that I do it, but when it's happening, I don't even think about the fact that it is a sin.
People have become far too tolerant of many sins these days, but I think that is the one that is the most frequent sin in my life. It is normal to gossip and be chatty about other people, but that doesn't make it any better. I would hate for someone to judge me for the things I say about other people. And more than that, I would hate to know all of the things that have been said about me. Many of the things people could say about me would probably be well deserved, but that doesn't make it feel any better. How would I handle it if someone heard the things I say about them or the things I laugh at that other people say? I would have no idea how to. I would just feel so terrible. So in any effort to become the better person who I hope I can be, I am challenging myself (or God is challenging me) to be that person who refuses to gossip about other girls, no matter the circumstance. Sometimes I wonder when a conversation changes from simple observation or personal story telling into gossip, but I think it would be safer not to flirt with the grey area... yeah, that's grey with an e, as it should be. Bam!

October 21st, 2008

I think a lot of my friends think I like them a lot less than I actually do. I don't just hang out with people because it is convenient. If I have chosen to spend time with someone, it means a lot, but people don't always know that about me. I am so far from the perfect friend- I'm pretty sure I offend people on a daily basis. And if I offend them, I suck at apologizing. This post is almost certainly going to be a string of random thoughts that are only connected by half thoughts in my brain.

I am so nervous right now about how easily and how much I love my friends. I know they are so much more than I deserve in any relationship of my life, but I also can't stop thinking that someone is really going to hurt me one of these days. If someone is even half as capable of killing a smile as I am, it is bound to happen sometime. I think I may be the last person to ever forgive myself for hurting as many people as I have. And as scared as I am about being hurt, I am even more fearful that I will crush someone. One of these days they are going to wake up and realize that spending their time with me isn't worth it. This is not a huge pity party in my head. I'm not having a moping fit, its just a lot of concerns that I have coming out all at once now that I have gotten started on this topic.

Though I don't want to seem like a constant downer, I also don't want to seem like a big joke. I sass and make one sarcastic comment after another, but I wonder what people think of me. I worry that all they will see is my bitterness and disregard for all things serious.

One of these days, I'm going to hurt you. Probably because you mean a lot to me. I don't deal with being vulnerable well. I am afraid of how much of my feelings are invested in my friendships. It's hard for me to think how easy it would be for me to get hurt.

Basically if you are one of the people who reads this, I love you so much. If you don't know that, I am doing something very wrong.

Fact: You amaze me and you terrify me. You make me smile and you make me worry. You have such a greater affect on me than I will ever let you know. I worry for you. I spend hours a day trying to figure out how to help you. I thank God for your friendship at least 3 times a day when I pray. I didn't pray before... but now I have such an undeniable blessing of these amazing friendships in my life that I can't help but want to thank God as much as I can. I pray for you. I think you're awesome. You are extremely loved... and I want to hug you.

Life Story Update

I'm in the process of writing out my life story and I'm almost done. It will never end up on here, but if you actually know me and you are interested in reading it or asking me about it once it is done, don't hesitate to let me know. I might not just sit down at tell you everything right then and there, but if someone shows a genuine interest in my past, I'm probably not going to shoot you down It may take me a while to be okay with people knowing so much about me though.

October 15th, 2008

This blog is written for one person in particular, so it probably won't be even semi-interesting to you. 

In the past couple days I have realized how much of my old life I have left behind, and all of the aspects that I don't ever want to leave. I go on thinking about how happy I am to have all of the new friends I have, but rarely do I think about the great friends I left at home. True, there were few I expected to last past the summer, and I was right. But there are still a small number of friends who have had a great impact on my life and whom I refuse to fall out of touch with. I will generally be pretty quick to say that the majority of my friendships so far have been shallow and short-lived.

There are two friends in particular who I think about and talk about on a daily basis. I cannot wait to see them. I want to tell them everything that is going on, but that would be pretty hard to do. There are just too many random moments that are fun for one reason or another, and I could never explain them. 

We are just leading such different lives. I don't know how to make them feel like I am not leaving them behind. No matter what happens, you are home. You know who you are, and I know you read this. My family can move around as much as they please, but you are home. You are my best friend. You have watched me grow for years now, and that is fact. It will never change, and I will never stop loving you. I could never judge you. Whatever you may get yourself into, or the things that you will be thrust into, I am here. Where I live and who I live with will continue to change through my life, but I will never leave this friendship. Every February 26th I will remember all of the things we've been through and all of the things I will always be ready to go through with you.

I'm sorry I haven't told you everyday just how impossible it is for me to ever give up one being your friend. We may not be living very comparable lives anymore, but I don't want you to worry.

October 14th, 2008

I decorated my room for halloween and I'm so pumped! I love holidays more than anyone should. About an hour after I put my decorations up, my strand of black lights fell and two of the bulbs broke... lame.

I was planning to just write about how things are going and how great all of my friends are, but as my day progressed, I realized I have a lot more to say about my friendships than how amazing they are, but that's where I'm going to start.

I have been noticing constantly how blessed I am to have made such great friends in the last month. The friendships I have here are already so much deeper about 90% of the friendships I had in high school. For instance, a small thing is that girls on my floor ask me how my day is going and don't just stop when I say "It was okay." It's always a response like "Only okay?" or "Are you sure there isn't something wrong?" Not that I don't have days that are just "okay". But when I really do have a crappy day, it helps so much to know that even if I don't know what is wrong or if I don't share, people care. 

People here care about me? How is that possible? It is the best feeling ever, but it doesn't cover all doubt. How could they love me if they don't know me? Or even scarier, how could they ever love me if they did know me? I spend my days with one unbelievable girl or another, but when I am not distracted from my thoughts all I can think is how undeserving I am of their time. These are the best people I have ever met, and I will never be good enough to stop wondering how in the world they could ever see my heart through my sarcasm. Or what is even more of a challenge, how can I let them see all of my scars?

Someday people are going to find out how vulnerable I am. How can someone love a person as weak as me? Or as inconsiderate? Or as distrusting? I want so badly to trust and not let the different aspects of my life get in the way of being trustworthy. I don't want to push away the people I care about. I've done it before, and I ruined so many bonds because I was too prideful to admit I had made a mistake. But really, I do very little other than making mistakes. How do I show people my heart without showing them the awful things I am capable of? I assume even my best of friends here are waiting for me to screw things up, but it is not fair to them. Do I really think that low of them to think they are spending their time trying to find my flaws?

I don't sit around thinking about other's flaws all of the time, but I worry that everyone around me is constantly focused on mine. Even that amount of attention would be quite undeserved. I don't deserve for anyone to want to know my heart, but I desperately want to be seen as more than just the loud girl who jokes around a lot and can't function without a crowd. That's not know I am, but it is, unfortunately, how I probably come off.

Also, I am working on writing out my life story so far. I think it will be good for me. You can ask me about it sometime, but I am not posting it all on here.

Geezers

I know its really bad to say, since its not their fault they are extremely aged, but I can't stand old people. I don't know if its because they are old or because of when they grew up, but ninety percent of the people over 70 that I have met make me extremely uncomfortable. They all smell weird and have weird voices. And old men all have huge ears, which are usually covered with hair thicker than that which is on their head. They like to wear striped button ups with short sleeves, which doesn't bother me too much when younger people do it, but old men have such crusty little arms with the flappy skin and the long, sparse arm hairs.

I'm not patient enough to stand there and listen to them, even if I really want to. People will tell me "He's the coolest old guy ever. Listen to his stories!" and I will really want to, because I really want to like an old person. There are people over 70 in my family, but some of them don't seem old. They aren't all decrepit and creepy. Well, some of them are, and though they are family, I still feel overwhelming discomfort when they try to talk to me.

And old people and their driving! My friends from home would tell me how they were late to things because they got stuck behind a grandma or grandpa in a no passing zone, but I have had limited experience with this breed of geezer. Instead, I always seem to be surrounded by the grannies driving around who couldn't possibly be any taller that 3 feet. They come zooming around corners everywhere I look and don't even look around them. These are the same old ladies who refuse to use their turn signal, so when they aren't racing around corners, they are weaving through lanes of traffic. How can they drive so fast when they talk so slow? It appears that they are incapable of monitoring their speed at either extreme.

Oh old people, how I wish I could like them.

October 1st, 2008

I've decided not to write mopey things today. That's not why I started this blogspot thing. And people are never going to speak to me after reading it if all I do is whine about how hard my life is. Because actually, my life is pretty great most of the time. Like everyone, I have a past and it happens to be a dark one, but I never like it when all people talk about is how crappy their life has been and they are sure it will never get better. So I won't be doing that. What I think about it is that my life could be so much worse, considering I am worrying about being able to trust my friends. Sure, there are other issues in my life, but I am not worried about my next meal or being persecuted for my faith. 

I have been so blessed so early on with some of the most substantial relationships I have ever had, and I have not even known the people here for 2 months. Its really amazing how much the girls on my floor have accepted me and how much they care how my day is going and how I am doing in my walk with God.

I am not used to having friendships where people will suggest scripture to ease my worries rather than help distract me with perverted jokes or by handing me a bottle of whatever we could get our hands on. Knowing that the people here won't act like its okay when I screw up royally is both terrifying and empowering. I know that if I were to go down to Ball State for a weekend and party with some high school friends, they would let me know what they thought about it, but I have no doubt that they would still love me. For so long I have been hurting so badly for some reason or another, and most of my life I have used my hardships as an excuse to do whatever I wanted, without consideration for other people, or more importantly for my own relationship with Jesus. 

I am reminded daily, by the actions and words of those around me, how badly I need to trust in God. It is rare that I will take anything to God through prayer or reading scripture. I see my inadequacies in my devotion to my faith everywhere I go, but it is not a feeling of judgement.

So for today, I guess that would be a huge praise and a prayer that I would start to appreciate it more and start to dive into prayer.

Wrapping Up My Thoughts From Last Night

I don't take it upon myself to fix everyone's problems, so why do I feel so terrible about not being able to fix hers? I know so many of my friends are hurting, but she is so outright about it that I don't know how to act. She is so certain that she is not pretty enough or smart enough, or even that she has been hurt enough to be good enough to be surrounded by the people in her life. She is one of the people who intimidated me when I first moved into the dorm and then surprised me by how down to earth she is. Through all of her insecurities I am still so stunned that she would want to be my friend. These are words I could obviously never say to her and make her believe me, so I guess I'll have to try to show her what a blessing she has been in my life already, when I have only known her for a month.
Most everyone here is a blessing in one way or another actually. I don't seem like the loving or considerate type, and still people have been so loving in things I didn't even know could involve love.