Goodbye September

Over the past few days, I really should have been journaling. I've had an intense couple of days, which would probably come as a surprise to those around me. I don't let onto the fact that I am weary or upset. I often act annoyed by something, when what is really going on inside me is too much. If i start to spill even a tiny bit of emotion, I will explode. I spend my evenings running around with one person or another and joking around, when all I want to do is be held.
I am not one to show my vulnerability. Since I got to college, I have tried to talk to a couple people about what is going on inside of me, but it feels like I either don't know the right words, or that they don't exist. I'm so sad I want to scream and so frustrated I want to cry. Everything is mixed up inside me, and I can't find the switch.
I don't think I will ever trust that people love me as much as I love them. I work so hard to make sure people like me and that they enjoy my company. Most of what they get to know is that I am possibly entertaining and attention driven. You could say that I don't know who I am, but generally when people say that, they are trying to figure out their place in the world. I am not asking what I will accomplish or why I am alive. All I am trying to figure out now is how to act so that I might actually learn to like myself.
I like so many of the people around me in my life and I love them even more fervently. I never trust people to love me, so I rarely trust people to care about what I am feeling and who I think I might actually be. I want so badly to be the person my friends come to when they need to vent. I love to feel like I am helping, but even more so, I need to feel needed.
The other night I was talking to my friend in my dorm room and for one reason or another, I was able to vocalize things to her that I have never been able to put into words. It came as a complete surprise, as we are both considered extremely goofy and we tend to joke around a lot. She walked into my room when I was sitting in what I call "the den" or "nemo" which are both code for what is more of a moping den than anything else. She sat down in a chair a few feet away and the next thing I knew, we were both shocked by what the other had said. It put things into perspective for me that I'm not the only one who puts on a mask around people to impress them or to hide my pain. I wish I could remember what I said to her then, so I wouldn't be so jumpy in my thoughts. But for the most part, when I start a thought, I start typing and I only use the backspace for typos. Not that I expect anyone but myself to ever read this.
To stop the jumping around, I should probably get to the situation that inspired this particular entry.
I am generally the one in the group who makes people laugh or forget their pain for at least a moment or two. But in one of my friendships, I am constantly reminded of my inadequacies. I want so much for her to know how much she is loved, but its not really something you can make someone believe. I want to be able to make her believe all of the things the people around her believe about her. She is one of the most amazing people I have had the opportunity to spend time with, and it is masked by my disappointment in myself for not being able to fix her heart. It sucks so bad listening to her talk about how she in surrounded by all of these awesome friends, but she has no idea why they like her. Why can't I just transfer my knowledge into her brain. In my brain, it is undebatable that she is amazing and such a joy to be around. I have such a hard time being her friend knowing that I can't make her see how amazing she is and when I feel like I am the last person she wants to be around.

No doubt I will continue on this subject the next time I blog, but right now, my brain hurts from trying to decode all of the emotions and thoughts flying around in my head. Peace.

Me Blogging? What?

I've never been much for journaling of blogging or even attempting to put my feeling into words, but for some reason I've had the idea of blogging thrown in my face lately, so here goes.

I suppose I'll start by giving a vague idea of my life right now. I'm a freshman at a small Christian college in Indiana and am surrounded by constant conversation about faith and sacrifice, which is nice, but I am not at all used to it. I have a hard time finding a happy medium with sharing about myself. I feel like people are always expecting me to opening tell them what makes me who I am, because so many people here have little issue with being open about their past and their faith.

I am not sturdy in my faith and I have much left to learn, so I tend to hold my tongue and count on people to ask oddly specific questions so I can't deny anything. I'm not one of those people who spills everything when someone asks me if I am okay if if I had a bad day.

One thing that I am very eager to get over, therefore more likely to ask for insight about, is that I get a feeling from all angles that people are disappointed in who I am. If I am not being loud, I'm being mean or seem depressed. Then, if I am joking and laughing, I want to be the center of attention. In any case, I worry that people are constantly judging me, awaiting my next character flaw. I have no intention of throwing myself a pity party about the matter, but I am not hiding the fact that I am confused with who I am, who I am supposed to be, and who people think I am.

Those are my thought for today. Kind of an abrupt end, but I'm not in a journaling mood anymore.