The Passage of Time

Post Number 15!

There has to be an end to all of this and that's what stinks so much. Friends will leave, new ones will come, and plenty will find a way out of my life. I could sit and cry about the fact that the happiness I now know will come to an end far too soon, but I'm not going to. Instead, I am going to try to continue the "celebration of life" that began when I first found out that one of my good friends is transferring next semester. I have not had the best attitude the last couple weeks, and I haven't physically felt the best, but I know that remembering this time is something I should do. I would hate to think back and not be able to remember a single day of my life when I got to walk 20 feet to her room and dance with her to inappropriate hip-hop through her huge speakers and subwoofer under her desk.

With her leaving, combined with my freakish planning tendencies and realizing how quickly the semester has been passing... my first instinct is to run away from my relationships before I can get hurt near as bad as I know I could. I think months and years into the future and worry what this school would be like once they are gone. I am on the fence, considering whether to cherish the time I have with them or to run now, with my heart intact. If I get out now, I can be numb. I can not analyze this. I can't overestimate time. It will pass too quickly when all I want to do is hold onto all that I have and know, and then comes the torture of having to suffer through the painful times, with those times burned into my memory.

I would like to not worry, but I know myself well enough to know that it is not possible for me. I will never stop worrying about the passage of time and what is to come with the friendships I have now. I have no idea who I will be living with next year or the the friends I will spend the most time with, and it scares me to realize how much could change. Too much is changing already, and I can't make it stop. All I can do is celebrate life and capture what memories I can.

ANGRRRYYYYY

Fact: I want to hug and punch you. I want to hug and punch everything.

October 29th, 2008

I will hurt myself before you hurt me. Its a fact. I will do what I can to beat you to it. I will push away from you when what I want is for you to pull me back. It may look like I am trying to ran away from people when I won't tell them what is wrong, but its so much more complicated and ridiculous than that. I want to be everyone's rock, and how can I ever be that if I show them I a weak? And how do I put things into words without sounding "emo"? Well right now, I am "emo." It means emotional! If anyone is never emotional, I doubt they are interesting. And yet, it is something I avoid. Also, I don't want to put my issues on other people.

I have a hard enough time with what's going on with me, and the worrying I do for you, that I don't want you to have to deal. I don't want you to have to worry any more than you already do. If you worry about me, I will worry about the fact that you are worried about me... it's retarded. I can't help but want to fix your problems. I can help but want to take your bad moods for myself. I can't like myself when I find I can't make things better. I can't make you feel better, and I can never accept that. I know it is fact, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make things better for you.

Whatever struggle you may have, I would rather it was me.

Something good just happened. Something good for someone else, and I just got really happy. Definitely a drastic change in my mood... Point and case.

What is going on with my friends affects my mood more than it ever should, and it can't be changed. This changed mood of mine is not a blogging mood. 

Peace.

I Feel Lightheaded

Today was cruelly long. I woke up after a night of sleeping on the floor and I felt like I had been laying there for days. I don't know why, but I feel like I still felt better than I would have, had I slept in my room... in my inferno of a room. I slept(ish) through my environmental science lab, which was my only class of the day. Then I just laid there hoping I would fall back asleep. I had a number of vocal exchanges with the girls I had fallen asleep in the suite with (you are fantastic) and ended up finally getting ready for the day a little before noon.

Then I had a painfully quiet lunch with my prayer partner... I fell asleep while we were talking, so our lunch only lasted about a half hour. the rest of my day is a blur. I know what I did, but all of the events I remember are not near long enough to fill my day. 

I punched a door, and now my hand hurts. I hate ice. Right now, I hate an unhealthy amount of things. I hate being awake and sleep. I hate how negative I am right now. I should probably not be documenting this day, because I sure don't want to remember it, but I need to do something.

You, I hate that you are sick. I don't like it at all. But what I do like are graham crackers... and the fact that you (yeah, you know who you are, and I know you will read this) are making me hold a dr. pepper freeze pop to my bruised hand.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stop your looking at me while I am trying to be angry.

Fact:

I am super stressed, anxious, violent, angry and tired. Sorry if I have been mean to you. Its no excuse, but hopefully I will be back to my regular state of constant napping, late nights, friendly tripping, somewhat infrequent punching, and slightly more chill self.

Gossip Folks.

Missy Elliot said it right. Actually, not at all, but she's still legit.
I have gotten so much better at not gossiping about people since I have been surrounded by so many people who I could not think of anything bad to say about, but now that everyone is settled, I am starting to notice the few people who's company I do not really enjoy. For instance, there is one girl on my floor who would have been the subject of my quips at any other point in my life. Not to say I was without sin or even gossip the last couple of months, but it has been far, far too much these last few days.
Most of the time I don't even feel bad until I realize that word could get back to the person... then I see how inconsiderate things I say are. As long as they don't know what I said, I act like it never happened. What did these couple people do to deserve the spotlight in my list of annoyances. I could probably only come up with a couple of things that bother me about them, but is that ever a reason to hurt someone? If it isn't hurting them, by them finding out, it is still hurting me. I even stop to think about the conversations I take part in and those which I initiate, but it is more important to me that I am being social. I am being a part of a sort of bonding, so rarely to I call it out and try to change the subject. I hate that I do it, but when it's happening, I don't even think about the fact that it is a sin.
People have become far too tolerant of many sins these days, but I think that is the one that is the most frequent sin in my life. It is normal to gossip and be chatty about other people, but that doesn't make it any better. I would hate for someone to judge me for the things I say about other people. And more than that, I would hate to know all of the things that have been said about me. Many of the things people could say about me would probably be well deserved, but that doesn't make it feel any better. How would I handle it if someone heard the things I say about them or the things I laugh at that other people say? I would have no idea how to. I would just feel so terrible. So in any effort to become the better person who I hope I can be, I am challenging myself (or God is challenging me) to be that person who refuses to gossip about other girls, no matter the circumstance. Sometimes I wonder when a conversation changes from simple observation or personal story telling into gossip, but I think it would be safer not to flirt with the grey area... yeah, that's grey with an e, as it should be. Bam!

October 21st, 2008

I think a lot of my friends think I like them a lot less than I actually do. I don't just hang out with people because it is convenient. If I have chosen to spend time with someone, it means a lot, but people don't always know that about me. I am so far from the perfect friend- I'm pretty sure I offend people on a daily basis. And if I offend them, I suck at apologizing. This post is almost certainly going to be a string of random thoughts that are only connected by half thoughts in my brain.

I am so nervous right now about how easily and how much I love my friends. I know they are so much more than I deserve in any relationship of my life, but I also can't stop thinking that someone is really going to hurt me one of these days. If someone is even half as capable of killing a smile as I am, it is bound to happen sometime. I think I may be the last person to ever forgive myself for hurting as many people as I have. And as scared as I am about being hurt, I am even more fearful that I will crush someone. One of these days they are going to wake up and realize that spending their time with me isn't worth it. This is not a huge pity party in my head. I'm not having a moping fit, its just a lot of concerns that I have coming out all at once now that I have gotten started on this topic.

Though I don't want to seem like a constant downer, I also don't want to seem like a big joke. I sass and make one sarcastic comment after another, but I wonder what people think of me. I worry that all they will see is my bitterness and disregard for all things serious.

One of these days, I'm going to hurt you. Probably because you mean a lot to me. I don't deal with being vulnerable well. I am afraid of how much of my feelings are invested in my friendships. It's hard for me to think how easy it would be for me to get hurt.

Basically if you are one of the people who reads this, I love you so much. If you don't know that, I am doing something very wrong.

Fact: You amaze me and you terrify me. You make me smile and you make me worry. You have such a greater affect on me than I will ever let you know. I worry for you. I spend hours a day trying to figure out how to help you. I thank God for your friendship at least 3 times a day when I pray. I didn't pray before... but now I have such an undeniable blessing of these amazing friendships in my life that I can't help but want to thank God as much as I can. I pray for you. I think you're awesome. You are extremely loved... and I want to hug you.